Not Alone
by Wilma69
Summary: Even around his friends, Merlin sometimes feels really alone...


_Title: Not Alone_

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Beams of sunlight are shining through the high windows of the throne room. One of these bright rays captures the huge round table set in the middle of the enormous hall. It always leaves me in awe when the table is fully occupied by the most important Knights of Camelot.

There are certainly a lot of people in the hall today. One moment they are talking quietly amongst themselves, and another they are intently listening to what is said by the once and future King, our King, Arthur Pendragon.

I stand to the side, arms behind my back while my hands are gripping each other in an effort to ground myself, even though I know it isn't working. I might be in awe, but every time I stand there, overlooking this stunningly beautiful table and all it's people, I feel dreadfully alone. As much as I would like to be part of this meeting, of this group, I'm not. I am just a servant after all. And servants do not sit side by side with their master to address matters of state.

Gaius has a place at the table, right next to Guinevere. They deserve these places, and I feel proud of the fact that they have the total trust of Arthur and the Knights. That they have earned respect. The right corner of my lip twitches into a smile that I know doesn't reach my eyes. I feel proud, but that doesn't stop the fact that it feels even more lonesome, and thinking about it too much, I even experience the feeling of being homesick while being at home. While being with the people that I love and care about.

Feeling alone in a room full of people is hard to describe. I hear them but I don't listen, I stand still, but I feel like swaying, a silence inside taking hold of my heart. A fist clenching around my lungs, as if all air has been squeezed out. And all I can do is stand to the side, and very consciously think about my hands, almost painful in their tight grip.

It is hard to follow any conversation on days like this. Days where I want to crawl back into bed, and damn the consequences. Damn my destiny. I can't seem to change it anyway. No matter how hard I try, it always turns to haunt me.

My eyes fall on the one Knight that I both like and distrust. An odd combination. And I wonder if Mordred feels lonely, like me. Keeping all that magic hidden inside, it feels like living one giant lie. I sometimes see the pain in those pale blue eyes of his, and I feel the intense need of reaching out and helping him. But I know that I can't, and yes, we both might feel lonely because of my choice. But letting him into my life will be my downfall, and more importantly, Arthur's downfall.

Arthur. I would gladly give my life for him, and I will protect him with every fibre of my being. And maybe one day, he'll recognise me for who I really am. Not just his servant, but his friend. One who is worthy to sit next to him at this round table. To have the respect of all the knights of Camelot, but more important, to have Arthur's respect. Until that time, I will bear the feeling of loneliness.

Letting out a silent sigh, I see everyone turning towards me. Every pair of eyes in the hall gazes at me in what looks a lot like recognition, trust and friendship. Gwaine is grinning widely, while Leon and Percival nod their heads at me. I must be dreaming, or did I just miss something important? I wasn't really paying attention all that much.

"Merlin, come and sit next to me."

It's Arthur's voice, penetrating through my muddled brain.

"My Lord?"

Arthur's blue eyes are shining in mirth, probably because of my confused stare. He always seems to love it when I feel like a fish out of water. He sometimes does it on purpose, I'm certain. So, I'm not sure I have heard it correctly. Did he just invite me to sit next to him? Next to him and Gaius?

"I know it's not custom for a servant to sit next to his King, but I feel, as we all do, that you have earned the right to sit here. It's about time to break with some of my father's customs. So, don't let me ask you again."

"Are you sure?"

"Get over here, you idiot."

I clearly hear some people's laughing, but all in good fun. Not that I care. My focus is on Arthur, and on the way he taps the chair next to him. And on Gaius and Guinevere's faces, who beam at me. Was it them that changed Arthur's mind? Why does the King suddenly feel like I have the right to take a seat at this round table? I'm stunned. More than stunned, I'm frozen in place.

"It's all right, Merlin." Gwen smiles at me. How did she move so fast as to end up standing in front of me? It really is beyond me at the moment. Her firm hand takes hold of my arm, and she pulls, willing me to move. And I do...

Slowly but surely the table and all my best friends are close enough to touch. Arthur's hand lands on my shoulder and he grins widely. "Don't let this get to your head, Merlin," he whispers.

Sir Leon stands up, as tall as ever, and turns away from me to face the Knights around the table. "We welcome Merlin into our midst, and may he be addressed at this table as an equal."

Not certain of what I should say or do, I try a smile. And this time it does reach my eyes, because it makes me feel warm inside when all the Knights stand up as one, and salute me.

And for the first time in many years, I don't feel so alone anymore...

The End


End file.
